I’m helping Brian with a project. He’s in this religious class and he has to talk about a couple different like…ceremony? Type things. And he’s a bone head and its due tomorrow so I’m helping him.
So here is what I learned about passover:
You recite Kiddush
((lit. “sanctification”); (a) blessing recited over a cup of wine expressing the sanctity of the Sabbath or of a festival; (b) refreshments served in the synagogue after the recital of Kiddush)
over a cup of wine or grape juice (for the youngins)
Wash your hands yo. You pour water on your right hand three times and then three times on your left. Sounds kind of OCD, but I digress.
But don’t make a blessing!
I don’t know what happens if you do. Bad shit I’m assuming. Santa wont come. Eternal burning in hell. Your dog will die.
One of those things.
The appetizer! Finally we get to the food. You take a small piece of vegetable (parsley, onion or potato) and dip it in salt water to remember the many tears the Jews shed when they were slaves in Egypt. Gross.
Break the Matzah (unleavened bread eaten on Passover). You take the middle matzah from under the sedar plate, which is the symbolic plate or whatever, and you break it in two. The larger piece is called the Afikoman (from the Aramaic fiku man, the piece of matzah that is hidden and then eaten at the conclusion of the Seder meal to recall the Paschal sacrifice)
Tell the story. You ask the four questions:
What makes this night different from all other nights?
1. On all nights we need not dip even once, on this night we do so twice.
2. On all nights we eat Chametz or Matzah, and on this night only Matzah.
3. On all nights we eat any kind of vegetables, and on this night Maror.
4. On all nights we eat sitting upright or reclining, and on this night we all recline.
Then read and relive the entire story of Passover. That sounds exhausting. Then you drink the second cup of wine. Don’t forget to lean! There’s a lot of leaning involved in this.
Wash your hands. Again. Can’t be too clean.
Wash your hands just like you did in the beginning but this time you say the blessing:
Baruch Ata Ado-nai Elo-heinu Melech Haolam Asher Ki-d’shanu Be-mitzvotav Vetzivanu al Netilat Yadayim.
(Blessed are You, Lord our G-d, King of the universe, Who has sanctified us with His commandments, and commanded us to wash our hands.)
Motzi-Matzah This sounds like a Dr.Seuss book. So you recite the blessing for eating the bread and then the special matah blessing. Lean left as you eat. Wtf is with the leaning?
Baruch Ata Ado-nai Elo-heinu Melech Haolam Hamotzi Lechem Min Ha’Aretz.
( Blessed are You, Lord our G-d, King of the universe, Who brings forth bread from the earth.)
Baruch Ata Ado-nai Elo-heinu Melech Haolam, Asher Ki-d’shanu Be-mitzvotav Vetzivanu al Achilat Matzah.
(Blessed are You, Lord our G-d, King of the universe, Who has sanctified us with His commandments, and commanded us concerning the eating of Matzah.)
You take the bitter herbs and the romaine lettuce, which reminds us of the bitter times in Egypt, (Ahhhhh! I see what you did there!) and eat it (yummy).
Baruch Ata Ado-nai Elo-heinu Melech Haolam Asher Ki-d’shanu Be-mitzvotav Vetzivanu al Achilat Maror.
(Blessed are You, Lord our G-d, King of the universe, Who has sanctified us with His commandments, and commanded us concerning the eating of Maror.)
Matzah Sandwich. Fill two pieces of matzah with maror and romaine lettuce and make a special prayer and eat it while leaning to the left. (To the left! To the left!) *dances*
11. Shulchan Orech
The meal. Fucking finally. This is basically all it is. You just eat. No leaning or whatever, that I’m aware of.
Dessert. Now you take that piece of matzah that you hid under the couch all the way at the beginning of the seder, take out the afikoman and eat that shit up.
Grace after meals. You thank G-d for the meal and drink the third cup of wine and don’t forget to… you guessed it, lean to the left.
Praise. You fill Elijah’s cup with wine and your own fourth cup as well. Damn we gettin crunk tonight. Then you open the door for Elijah the Prophet who comes to visit every Seder in the whole wide world. Sounds like the damn easter bunny. You sing songs of praise for the great miracles G-d performed.
Now you have completed the seder. You finish the evening with a heartfelt prayer (I might have some trouble with that) “Next Year in Jerusalem” and then it says “We Want Moshiach Now!” and I’m not sure if that’s part of the prayer or another prayer but it sounds very demanding and you’re probably already drunk by now so who cares.
My BFF Coming out to her 89 Year old Grandmother
- BFF: Grandmother I need to talk to you
- Grandma: [concerned voice] What? What is it? Are you sick?
- BFF: No, no. Grandma. I'm gay.
- Grandma: What?
- BFF: I'm gay Grandma. I have a girlfriend now.
- Grandma: [relieved voice] Oh honey, is that all? I thought you had cancer. Anytime someone needs to tell me something they are sick. Who's your girlfriend, when is her birthday? I'll bake her a pie.
We’re discussing scent and pheromones and oh my god
LESBIANS CAN LITERALLY DETECT OTHER LESBIANS BY SENSE OF SMELL AND WILL AUTOMATICALLY PREFER THE SCENT OF OTHER LESBIANS
LIKE THERE IS SCIENTIFIC PROOF OF THIS I LOVE IT I LOVE PHEROMONES
This explains gay-dar. It’s not a sense of just knowing it’s the fact that we can fucking smell each other
au de homõ
What does it say about me that I have horrible gay-dar for women, but absolutely impeccable gay-dar for men? O_o